Pride and Grief

The workroom in Aries temple was cold at night but Shion didn't feel like lighting the fires that would warm it just now.   There was enough light coming from the small lantern he had sitting on a shelf to make his work of sorting through the Cloths easier.  He was trying to figure out the order of repair for them.  First by which Saint was healthy enough to need them soon, then by how wounded the Cloth itself was.   It was somewhat tricky work but it was work that he knew well, and it was work that helped to occupy his mind.

He should be resting now, he knew.   After what had happened today, Lady Athena herself had come down to speak with him.  To console him in her own way, and to tell him kindly that he should rest tonight.   It was an order from his goddess.  He should be obeying it, but he just couldn't.  Each time he closed his eyes all he could see was his Master laying in a pool of his own blood or Dohko being impaled on a sword.   

He didn't want to chance seeing what his nightmares would show him.   Better to work and get something useful done than lay awake staring at the ceiling as he avoided sleep.   At some point he would have to rest he knew, but he was going to put that off as long as possible.   In the meantime he would work until he was exhausted.  It was better this way.  It kept him from thinking, kept him from being aware of the aching gap where his Master's presence should have been, or from noticing other absence up in the seventh temple.  If Dohko were still here, if he had been fast enough, smart enough to find some way to save them all, then he would be down here.  Shion could almost here his voice telling that he should rest that what had happened was not his fault, and that he wouldn't do anyone any good like this.  His throat grew tight and he would almost imagine his Master snorting scorning fully, calling him a brat and telling him to stop moping about him, that he had died the way he wished too.

A drop of hot liquid hit his hand, startling him.  He sat staring at it for a moment completely puzzled by wear it had come from.  Then another tear fell to join it and he realized his cheeks were wet.  Still feel confused he reached up to touch his face.  He hadn't even realized he had been crying.   Immediately he took a deep, shading breath, trying to calm down.  He was a Saint he shouldn't be crying!  Not when he had a duty to fulfill, and not when they had gone down in battle, the way they would have wished to go.    However, even that thought couldn't seem to erase the lonely ache he could feel.

It was odd really; he had always preferred silence and solitude.  Now that he had both, suddenly he realized how much he had needed the presence of the people he would never see again.  It hurt worse than all the physical wounds he had received from Hypnos combined.   This chest ached and he was forced to quickly scrub the tears away from his eyes with the back of his hand.  It would do for anyone to see a Saint, least of all a Gold Saint like him, crying.  

He was so distracted by his own grief, the soft sound that suddenly echoed around room made him start and nearly drop the piece of Cloth he had been holding.  It was a soft sound; half moan and half whimper that for a moment sent a shiver down his spine.   From the far corner came the soft sound of something moving.  Shion frowned.  There shouldn't be anything in this room but him.   He stood silently, hesitating only a moment before picking up the oil lamp.  While he could, and had, fought in darkness it was not his favorite thing to do.   Better to be cautious, even if he doubted that anyone, or anything could have found it's way in here without anyone knowing.  It was probably nothing more than a stray mouse or cat, but he was not going to be careless just because it was his own home.

The sound was coming from behind several of the massive stone jars that stood in the corner.  They stood up to his waist and contained several of the more common ingredients he used in Cloth repair.  Slowly he raised the oil lamp over his head and peer around them.   His light feel on a small figure huddled in the corner hugging his knees to his chest and shaking with silent sobs.

"Alta?" Shion whispered in shock, finally recognizing him.  Alta's head snapped up to look at him, eyes seeming almost unnatural wide in the lamplight.  When he who had found him the boy seem to freeze guilty then reached up to rub tears away from his eyes.

"Sh..shion," he croaked clearly trying to keep his voice level but failing.  Alta tried to stand, but his legs seem to seize and he lurched forward, putting a hand against the wall.

"What's wrong? Are you injured?"  Shion asked even as he felt a surge of guilt.  He had forgotten that he wasn't the only student Hakurei had left behind.   Although he had offered some sympathy to Yuzuriha it had only been a gesture.  He knew her well enough to expect to go off and deal with things on her own so had let her do so.  But Alta…Alta was still just a boy.  Shion didn't know him nearly as well as he did Yuzuriha.  His excuse was that he had been in the last few years of his own training when Master Hakurei had brought Alta in and had been too busy to spend much time with the new student, but the truth was he had had no interest in getting to know Alta when he was still in Jamir.  It was his own selfishness and certainty that his own goals were more important than learning about Alta had had kept him away.

"…I'm fine," Alta said at last, his voice hoarse and quiet.  "I'm sorry for worrying you…"  the boy started to pull away but Shion put a light hand on his shoulder.  He stopped and looked back at the Saint.

"If it's about Master…." Shion said uncertainly, groping for words.  He had never really dealt with children before.   Dohko was the one they had flocked to for advise and help, not him.   He felt another pang, sure that his friend would have known exactly what to say if he was here…

Alta meanwhile, had stopped dead.  "It's all right," he insisted again, rubbing at his eyes. "Master wouldn't want me to cry. A Saint doesn't cry."   The sight of the boy holding back his tears stirred something in him.  This wasn't right.

"A Saint is also only human," he heard himself say.  Alta glanced back at him.

"But we aren't even human," Alta said softly. Shion tried to chuckle, but it came out strained at best.

"This is true," Shion said, "but I also think you know what I meant. A Saint isn't suppose to be infallible.  We are mortal, and we are not perfect.   It is true that a Saint shouldn't allow his emotions to distract him in battle but that is a different thing than not feeling everything entirely.  I am sure that Master wouldn't have wanted you to abandon all that you feel.  Do not be ashamed of your tears."

"How can you know?"  Alta said, glancing back at him.  There was a catch in the boys voice as he spoke and even in the uncertain light of the lantern Shion could swear Alta's eyes were red from crying.  "Master is gone now!"

"He is," Shion said gently after pausing a moment to swallow against the pang in his chest. "But I was with him for years Alta. I know how he honored and remember his comrades that fell in the Holy War.  He still missed them. If anyone, I think he would be the one to understand what it means to loose someone the most of all."  

"What about you?" Alta asked.  "You aren't crying, you've been calm!  You're the one who's a real Saint.  I'm still to weak to even control my own emotions.." There was a sob at the end of the sentence and Alta tried to pull away.  Shion just held him firm.

"No," he said quietly after a moment.  This was not the time for him to let his pride get in the way.  He had to be honest for once.   "No, I'm not clam.  Why do you think I came down here?"  he allowed himself a half-smile as Alta looked back at him.  "This is a good place to be alone, isn't it?   Repairing Cloths requires a great deal of concentration…it gives me an excuse not to think while I am doing it."  Alta was looking at him in such outright surprise that it would have been funny if it had been at any other time.   "I'm not a better person or any better at controlling my emotions.  I have simply learned to hide it better," he admitted quietly.  Alta just looked at him for a moment clearly startled by this.  Shion wanted to reach out to him, but he was not sure what the boy would expect him to do.  That had always been Dohko's office after all.  He was the one who offered a comforting shoulder when the younger ones needed him.

His friend had even offered the same services to him when he had needed it.  When he had first came to Sanctuary, Dohko had been the first to offer his friendship….and when he had returned after facing Tokusa Dohko had been the one to find out what was wrong.  As much as he had hated to admit it at the time that had made him feel better.  

There was a pressure in his chest and he blinked his eyes a little at that memory. A part of him wanted to offer the same sort of comfort to Alta, but he had no idea what he was supposed to do.  As through as his training had been in the art of war, he had rarely been called upon to be comforting.   

Alta, clearly uncomfortable, tried to pull away.  Acting on impulse, something he rarely did, he pulled Alta into an awkward one-armed hug.  He had seen Dohko do something similar with a trainee before but he had never though to try it himself.  Physical forms of affection just weren't something that familiar to him.

For a moment Alta stiffened under his arm and Shion was the boy was going to pull away, but he appeared to have done something right.  Alta gripped his shirt, shoulders shaking.  Shion held the boy as gently as he could, the later from his lamp wavering as the Aries Saint finally allowed his own tears to fall.